Today I looked back at an old conversation with her. My last conversation with her. I said something in there, somewhat randomly, that I just felt was a complete moment of clarity. At the time, I was pissed off, heartbroken and had really lost my faith in humanity (specifically, with our ability to hope and to dream).
You know, times like this, I feel I understand and can relate to Anakin more than I ever could to Luke. That’s the whole point of Star Wars, it has nothing to do with great battles between rival factions, it’s about looking within yourself and saying “Yeah, we all strive to be Luke, but in the end, we’re human, and humanity looks a lot more like Anakin”. I’ve always had this theory that the original trilogy completely took place in Vaders head, and was his inner turmoil fantasizing about how great of a person he could be. Ultimately, even his inner fantasies, his hopes and dreams, fell apart, because at his core, Anakin was not good. He wanted to believe that he could have been amazing, but we can’t change who we are. We can put up a show for others, play the part and go through the motions, but when it comes time to make a decision, it is who we are at our cores that define the choices we make.
It’s funny how, in the middle of a fight, we can unclench our fists for a moment, to have a soft laugh as we analyze something from the back of our minds. We can find such clarity, such peace, and take all of our anger and cast it out. Fuck it. If it’s done, it’s done. I might as well go out poetically. Take risks, live life. We all end up hurt, in one way or another, might as well take the risks so at least you feel human when you fuck up.
Some nights I find it hard to sleep. I lay awake listening to the silence, interrupted ever so often by the pops and creaks of an old house. I lie in the dark, my eyes adjusted, trying to make out familiar shapes amidst the greys and blacks. I feel the stillness of the air against my skin, and the warmth of an occupied bed. All the while, listening to the silence. I feel as though those late night, or early morning hours, depending on how you look at it, carry a certain power with them. So often is it that we find ourselves surrounded by sounds, lights, colors, feelings, temperatures, and so on, that we forget what it’s like to be surrounded by nothing at all. To my mind, it’s at these times that our brain starts to function differently. We think differently. We feel different….maybe we really are different. Maybe it’s at those times that we become someone else. Not so different to be unrecognizable, but different enough that if we could see in the dark and gaze into a mirror that we may not recognize ourselves. Strange then, that at such a moment of oddness we could see with such clarity. I find myself looking within when the external world is clouded from me. I find my thoughts to be more grandiose, more unique; and stranger. Maybe it’s not the sleep that brings our dreams, but the absence of everything. Maybe it is at those strange and special hours that our mind can dream, whether we are fast asleep or awake in bed. I would like to think that there is some kind of magic hidden just out of our sight, that only works on us at those special times. For a few hours, we are given the chance to be as human as possible. The night was made for us, and in the night we may find our true calling.
January 16, 2012 | Categories: The Balance | Tags: absence, clarity, different, dreams, hours, human after all, late night, lifeaftersocialmedia, magic, night, oddness, strange, the hours, walrus | Leave a comment