I have been doing online dating for a little over a year now. Prior to my last relationship, I did it for about 8 months. So, all in all, I’ve got just shy of two years experience in the matter. I have tried about 7 different sites, but the majority of my time has been spent of POF (PlentyOfFish) and OKC (OkCupid). The following is a series of thoughts I’ve had over that time regarding online dating. I will often speak to “you”. “You” are the hypothetical owner of a dating site profile.
1: What are you doing? You may not appreciate this fact, but you are trying to market yourself to potential suitors. How in any way does that profile picture put you in a positive light? I appreciate that you may be intending to show off your flaws, but, sweet baby jesus, you are fucking blinding me. There MUST be a better picture of you. If there isn’t, we live in 2012, I’m sure you can find a camera of some kind and take a picture where you don’t look like Sloth from The Goonies.
2: I’m super fucking glad that you have nothing written about yourself on your profile except “I don’t know what to talk about here! Send me a message if you’re interested! P.S: If you just say ‘hey’ or ‘what’s up?’ I’m going to delete the message and block you! If you can’t come up with something more interesting than that we won’t have anything to talk about.” SUPER FUCKING GLAD. First off, you have just eliminated yourself from my dating pool. Thank you for saving me the time. I don’t give a shit how good you look, you are fucking retarded if you can’t see the irony of essentially saying “say something interesting to me” without saying anything yourself. You are a vacuous black hole of nothingness and I will not let you suck the life out of me GOOD DAY.
No, just kidding, I have more to say about you. Seriously, what the hell do you expect? You list no interests on your profile except some basic, generic, vague shit like “outdoors, movies, being active, friends, family” etc etc etc. So when you get some vague generic messages about outdoors, movies and being active (because nobody gives a shit about your friends and family until they find out if you yourself are appealing), why does that surprise you? Shall I just magically pull some brilliant shit out of my ass? Fuck you. If you are not going to spend the time talking about who you are (assuming you have grown the fuck up and know who you are and what you want in life besides “having fun”), I’m not going to waste my time writing you a message that has substance. You’re a substance vampire, you know that? You’re just awful. But, back to you “having fun”.
3: I am not a fucking clown. I’m not hired with the exclusive intent to make you smile and laugh. I will not dance and juggle and drag you all over town in pursuit of “fun”. I will not spend my hard earned money trying to please you because you need to be “entertained”. If we click and get along well, all of those things probably will happen, but If you can’t get along with me just grabbing a coffee and walking around aimlessly, then all those activities and means of entertainment are just distraction from the fact that we simply do not connect well and are both wasting our time (and money…well, maybe just my money). Fuck everything about that. I am done with pointless relationships that go nowhere and are “fun”. If I really like someone, every day is fun, no matter what we do. We don’t need to entertain each other or feel any pressure to be people we are not. When you list things like skydiving in your first date section, I list “moron” in my mental description of you. Welcome to reality, where people don’t jump out of planes on wednesday nights. Which brings me to my next point
4: What the fuck do you do on weeknights? Or really, most of your life? In your interests you list “hiking, skydiving, wakeboarding, snowboarding, travel” etc, fucking etc. You come home from a hard days work and unwind with a quick little flight somewhere? Maybe drive to the mountains, hike for a few hours and then come home? How do you do it, girl?! Get fucking real. Why don’t you maybe list some interests that I will take part in with you more than a few times a year. Do you watch a movie every night? Listen to music? Read trashy magazines? Have a bath? Go for a walk? Play Skyrim? I’m serious here, because that’s the stuff that matters. I couldn’t care less what your long term dreams and aspirations are, or anything you don’t do on a regular basis. It simply doesn’t matter. Not on a first, second or third date. Probably not for many dates. Don’t get me wrong, I want to know all of that stuff, but It doesn’t matter initially. Why not save that stuff for discussion later on? Either that, or tell me everything up front. Tell me what you do regularly as well as those things you do a few times a year.
5: Don’t wait for me to message you. Maybe I have not come across your profile yet and I’m interested. If you want to say hello to me, say hello. If I reply, don’t think I’m automatically interested, maybe I’m just bored. Regardless, if I see that you have looked at my profile and have not messaged me, I will assume I’m not your type and you are not interested. I understand that’s a two-way street, so I will do the same.
6: If you’re just looking for sex, we don’t need to have a date. I know you have specified you are looking for “dating” with “no commitments” instead of “intimate encounter”, but you’re not fooling anyone. I know you are looking for sex and so does every other guy, so why not call it what it is. Come over, we’ll fuck. Do you think that makes you cheap? It doesn’t. Nobody cares because everyone loves sex. Okay, some people care, but these are people with some prudish notion that one of the most basic human functions is taboo and shouldn’t be enjoyed unless you are in a monogamous relationship with the person you are going to marry. Fuck everything about that. I enjoy sex and I want to enjoy it whether or not I’m in a relationship. I would absolutely prefer for it to be in a long-term relationship with a girl I love, but I’m not going to deny myself that connection and experience just because I’m not. If you’re still caught up in what people think of you, we won’t work out anyways. I straight up don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks of me and I expect the same from you. If you come over for sex on our first date, I will wear sweat pants and I will fuck the shit out of you. Like I give a fuck. You’re here for my cock, not what I think of art. Lets not pretty that up into something it’s not. You know what, though? You can wear sweat pants too. I really don’t care, I’m taking that shit off within 10 minutes of you getting there. Foreplay is great, but nowhere in my description of foreplay does it say “lets pretend to watch some bullshit movie while we both are waiting for the other to make a move” as if I’m in junior high still. If you come over with the intent of sex, don’t waste my time. We can watch some bullshit movie after we both get off. I don’t want to stay up all night fooling around because we had to watch some movie before you would blow me. I’ve got work in the morning, and I’m not going to be tired and pissed off all day because you couldn’t pony up and do the one fucking thing you came over to do in the first place. Jesus christ. Don’t come over with the intent of sex and act as if you give a shit what I think of you anyways. We both have needs and we are dealing with them so we can rationally approach real relationships that we are interested in pursuing without constantly thinking “need sex need sex need sex need sex”. No? Just me? Whatever.
7: Fat chicks: I know you’re fat, stop trying to hide it. Do you think I’m not going to find out? Like when we meet and you look nothing like your picture and I turn around and nope the fuck out of there? Seriously, just be honest with your pictures. If you’ve got a little gut, don’t worry about it. We can go out and drive a few cheeseburgers into these boilers and then get down to business. But if you lie about it, no amount of bueno is going to turn that date around for you. I will be out right after I verify it’s you.
8: Stop using fucking filters on your photos. Yeah, blast that fucking contrast up, like It’s going to hide the fact that your face is unappealing. Oh yeah, nothing gets me excited to meet you like an artsy tri-color version of your face from a distance that might as well be an elementary school art project. You have a limited amount of photos to upload, and you choose THIS shit?
9: Nobody gives a shit that you use The Chive, you backwoods hillbilly. Stop posting memes in your limited amount of pictures. I’m from the fucking internet, bitch, and your year old shit reposted from The Chive (and reposted from elsewhere) does not impress me. Also, stop saying KCCO. You probably have no idea what the original saying even was, furthering the fact that chive is an unoriginal wasteland of recycled content. Fucking amateur.
10: I have literally maxed out the character limit on my profile with useful and fun and broad-spanning information about myself. If you find this unappealing and don’t care to read it all, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING ON A DATING SITE? You are looking for a partner, and if you’re too lazy to read who they are, you are fucking wasting the time of everyone. Furthermore, if you DID read my profile and you send me a message with no content, why the fuck would I reply? I spent all this time giving you things to talk about, to really get an idea if we would connect, and you give me this bullshit cop-out message? Come the fuck on. Are you lazy? Are you stupid? In what Bizarro galaxy does it make sense that I would spend all this time on my profile and expect nothing in return?
11: “I am hoping to move to Australia within the next year”. Wat. Why are you wasting everyone’s time? Do you expect someone to move with you? Are you just looking for a meaningless few months of sex that you can happily abandon when the time comes so you can pursue your life long goal of doing nothing with your life somewhere else in the world? Don’t get me wrong, I like travel, but if your goal is to move somewhere, then just fucking go. Plane tickets are not that expensive and if you stopped being a fucking lush and “having fun” with your friends 4 times a week, you could probably afford a ticket anywhere pretty fast. But, that would only be the case if you actually cared about going there to start a new life. You’re just going there to escape your problems, which is painfully clear by the fact that you don’t have any real goal other than just going there sometime in the nearish future. Fuck. You know what? I want to go to the moon sometime in the near future. But I’m not an astronaut and not even in training and I am fucking terrible at math and physics, but it is something I WANT. You know what? I could become an astronaut one day if I really worked hard at it, but I won’t. Are you going to EVER go to Australia? Because I’m probably never going to the moon. Is that what kind of a want this is for you? Get the fuck out of here.
12: I am physically not attracted to fat and/or ugly girls. I’m sorry, but it’s true. I wish I was, it would make finding a life partner a lot easier, and I would get laid a hell of a lot more often. I legitimately think many of you ugly and overweight girls have great personalities and awesome interests, but I just cant see myself dating you. I don’t care if that makes me shallow or shows how I’m just a product of western cultures falsified vision of what beauty is. I don’t care if that makes me an asshole. Because despite any of that, I’m still not attracted to fat and/or ugly girls. You can get all uppity about it all you want, call me any number of things, and after you have done all of that, I still will not be attracted to fat and/or ugly girls. Maybe it’s true, maybe you “can’t help being fat”, but I can’t help not being attracted to you. That may be some hard truth for you to swallow, but guess what, not everyone out there is going to like you. This isn’t elementary school, and there will be many people you find attractive that simply do not like you.
13: Stop making excuses. “My friend set this up for me” “I don’t think this will work” “Giving this a shot :S” etc. Nobody wants to be single. Except weird people, but whatever, they don’t count in this example. Everyone wants to find someone to spend their life with that they can love completely, and as such we all have a reason to try and find that person in whatever places we can. Welcome to the 21st century, where online dating is for anyone and not just “weird” people. I have never understood the social stigma that some people associate with online dating. I view it as “hedging my bets”. It’s not the only place I will meet people, but it doesn’t hurt having an extra outlet to help me meet others that I may not normally have. Grow the fuck up, if you are afraid people are going to judge you and people you know are going to find you on these sites, you need thicker skin. “OOOHHH! YOU’RE ON POF!!! OOOO!!” “Yeah, I am. So what? I’m fucking lonely and I have a hard time meeting people who are interested in the same things I am.” How hard is that?
14: “This never works” “Are there any good guys left out there?” etc. To those of you who have been on these dating sites for a while, it’s hard to avoid getting a little bit jaded (is this blog post any indication of that?), but don’t let it define you. It’s absolutely unappealing to me and turns me off of you in every way possible. You just seem like a miserable cunt. Don’t get me wrong, I’m pretty sick of all the boring, uninteresting, unappealing girls that are on these sites, but that doesn’t mean that every girl on these sites is like that. I’m not going to judge every girl just because a vast majority of them don’t appeal to me. Maybe I’m picky. No, scratch that. I AM picky. But it’s not like it is any different in person. Walk down a busy street and tell me how many people you pass that, if you were to judge solely off looks, you would date? Now, out of those people, how many do you think have interests and tastes that align with your own? Exactly, it’s not a very big number. So get over it and just keep looking. Nobody said you were going to find the love of your life in a month or two. You may think I’m an unrealistic person with unrealistic views of women and what I should expect from them, but that shit is downright ridiculous.
15: Why are there not more people using these sites? Honestly, if every single person out there got on these dating sites, tons of them would find great matches, or at least get themselves out there and date more. I’m a firm believer in finding out what it is that you don’t like in a potential partner so that you can accurately say what it is that you DO want. You will never get that experience relying only on a few places to meet people. Why not broaden the horizons a bit? I’m sure that social stigma of using a dating site comes into play again for a lot of people, but come on. Everyone is online, using the internet, wasting time on it. Why not waste time in pursuit of something meaningful? But maybe you just see it as a waste of time?
This has been a paid advertisement of PlentyOfFish Media group and OkCupid. Just kidding. But it should be. There is no quality control on these sites.